Beauty in Pain

[Mood: Dark]
[Music: Evanescence - Sweet Sacrifice]

The edge of the blade shines,
The beauty of it,
And the effects it can bring,
The pain is on the inside and it's longin to get out,
As the blade hits her pretty wrist,
She knows it will leave a scar,
And its what she's longing for,
Livin with a cut so deep,
She wants it out physically.
For it feels unbearable.

The shinnin blade in her dim room,
She doesn't deserve this,
Hopin no one else will ever feel this way,
The edge hits her lovely wrist,
Softly yet sweetly she runs it across her wrist,
Not deep enough to kill but enough to leave a life long scar,
This is what she wanted,
Something to remind her of those words,
The unbearable pain along with her painful tears is a beautiful sight,
Her misery is out on the open,
Satisfication sinks in,
She's just died on the inside.

A stained blade sits in the drawer,
It's her best fren for now,
One day she'll get over it,
But not for now,
There's just too much misery,
Too much ache and hate,
Her crimson blood hits the floor,
The bleedin and tears,
The pain of a sad,lonely gurl.

She seems perfect on the outside,
But no one knows the truth,
Her perfect clothes and shoes,
No one hears those bitter tears,
She aches for love and life,
Confined by those walls,
She longs to live,
But there seems no way out.

She screams,
Yells,
Sobs,
Bleeds,
But no one hears her.
No one cares.

The crimson stained blade
The beauty of a scar.
The story of a beautiful wound.

The Breakdown

[Mood: Emo]
[Music: Tyler Hilton - You'll Ask For Me]

Its in the breakdown,
Cryin hysterically and rambling bout the disappointments,
Integrity got in the way,
And I felt I got lost from dignity,
There are so much expection and my dreams are high,
Regret scares me,
I don't wanna look back and bury these memories,
I had hopes,
But I can't seem to be keepin up to any of those,
It seems like I've brought down my standards,
Is this what I want?
Maybe but maybe not,
Theres doubt still lingerin,
And my heart sendin me the opposite signals,
Trust,
The key to any relationship,
Built with loadz of work and can be torn down without effort,
I've always had difficulties at this part,
There are people I know I can trust without a doubt,
And then there are those you have no idea bout,
Confused on whats goin on within,
Afraid to be vunerable,
Lookin for the instints,
When it coms down to faith,
How much should be instilled in a person,
If there's seems to be too little, there seems to be a problem,
But if there's too much,
What happens durin the downfall,
The crash and burn
I see that on its way,
It's right around the corner,
Now all I have to do is to push obstacles to delay its arrival,
There's too much runnin on my mind,
I think am too young for such questions,
Maybe it's my fault after all,
I pulled this onto myself,
There is solution to all this,
I bet it's somewhere,
Now all I have to do is go look for it.

You're The Fallin Star

[Mood: In Love]
[Music: Everything - Micheal Bubble']

Am more cheery these dayz and I find wayz to entertain myself.
I'm tryin to keep myself motivated and pushin towards doin more work.

Went and watched Fantastic 4 that day.It was seriously super cool! I hav no idea whats up with all the bad review but the special effects was great and the story line was intersting. The silver surfer has this hott sexy voice n I think am crushin on him(:P)

Headed for the Edu Fair yesterday.Had a lunch date with daddy and sis.Then dad left to see some stuff and I went on a search to find him.He told me the exit but as usual my sense of direction rockz! And I went a whole round n then found the freakin exit!! His super mean...he saw me go a whole round n everything...*sheesh*...He pulled the whole " I dont know thing" and someone workin with him asked if he was attemptin to flirt with me...haha...I got introduced around and we went to look at Monash after that. This is like my dream college and I wanna go here at least for a yr or two.So maybe I'll do Life a yr or 2 n then finish off at Monash. See how it goes. Also i think am most probably stickin with computer science.It's not tht am in capable of doin math but am goin to try my level best and if it really doesnt pull through then I may consider switchin. So we walked around and he got me hersheys!!...hehe..cookies n cream..cause I've been sorta buggin him for it quite a while..then we just chilled.Met up with my dad and then we got frappucinos and headed home. Had dinner with the family tht nite in association with my grandfathers birthday and then I had my usual phone convo...

I'm tryin to be patient with the current situation.Yes am still in prison but its definately more relaxed than a few weeks back. Now all I need to do it put that dinner plan in action.Then if I have that fixed, everything else will be normal again. Now if only I knew how to bring the idea up to her....

Love is an accident waiting to happen.
Desire is a stranger you think you know.
Intimacy is a lie we tell ourselves.
Truth is a game we play to win

LoveStoned

[Mood: Cheery]
[Music: Dashboard Confessional - Stolen]

I've been doin more work than usual.

He keeps me motivated.

How?

By remindin me of the joyz thats gonna be in college.

I'm still confused on what course I should take.

Totally stressin on it..*sheesh*

Waitin for the Edu Fair to come around

Am grounded for quite a while

Rottin n fuckin bored

Am online wayy to much

He amuses me a lotz

I'm being emo to much

Can't blame me..You will be to if you were in my situition

3 hours of tuition is no joke

I find pigeons adorable

I wish I could fly away from here

Badly needin a piercing n soon

By next year around this time I would have a kick ass belly ring

I need to do more Math...And I mean really LOADZ MORE!

I wanna earn 18,000 by the time am 27

I'm gonna go have lunch nowz

~She's dancin in the sky~

Just Let Me Cry

[Mood: Deep Thought]
[Music: Evenescenes - Weight Of The World]

This situation is being really hard on me.N I feel like am just goin to depression or somethin. I'm really startin to hate each day before it even begins. I don't understand why such huge drama for small situitions. It really doesnt make sense. How long are u goin to keep me in? Forcin me to be your fren isn't the best thing, I hope you know that. You can't change who I am.I'm sorry am not what you wanted me to turn out to be.Sometimes I even wander what went wrong but I wanna live life on my terms.Learn my own lessons, pick myself up from my falls n learn to move on. I don't wanna be spoon fed on life. I'm gonna be 18 soon and am sick and tired of being treated this way. I just wanna get skool done with and continue with my plans. But being patient through all this is so hard and am draggin myself each day to make it through. I don't see the point of lookin forward for anything anymore.




Besides that am really confused bout the current situition.This is not what I planned or dreamt for myself. Everything was suppose to come naturally not through a horrible struggle. I was suppose to be the priority not the option. I was suppose to be the first and the only. The one who inspires and makes a huge impact. The gurl who shows you what love is. I just realized that am the 2nd one and its never ever suppose to be this way. The feelings and emotions are there but I can't help feelin that its sooo unfair and this is not what I saw for myself. It really does hurt but am tryin not to think about it. There's nothin much that can be done. Nothing you can do or say can change that fact. I love you very much and I can't lose you. Especially not now and this moment is where I need you more than ever. I can't talk to you bout this cause you won't understand. This is something I must deal with personally and I can only pray that this is horrible feeling will go away once n for all.

Don`t use excuses..
Don`t ask why
It`s just a breakdown.. happens all the time..
So get out of my face - don`t even try..
Youu wanna help me? ..
Just Let Me Cry

Misery's My Company

[Mood: Sad]
[Music: Good Charlotte - Misery]

There's good news and theres fucked up news.

The Good Newz: After drama n being emo for 3 dayz.My parents couldnt take it to see me utterly miserable n they were thinkin of talkin 2 him again.So we had this thing set up tht he calls on tuesday mornin before his exams n say tht he wants 2 met them after in the evenin.Then the phone rang and my parents acted like no one called..I kept askin but they acted like notta.Super fustratin n whtmore am the one who set it up!!!! They talked 2 me in the evenin n said they'll agree to us on certain conditions.He came in the evenin n talked to them.His such a darlin!! To come n approach them.We got interrigated n shit.But they asked if we were both serious.We were yeah n we want this.We're not allowed to go out but his allowed to come over anytime! So thts great. But he had to open his mouth n add fire to flame bout my gf!!! I was soo tempted to get the freakin knife from the kitchen.He came with a fren n they had dinner n hanged till bout midnight.It was good.I guess thts one thing settled.

The Fucked Up News: T Ben came on thursday n my mum poured her heart out on how rebellious n uncontrollable n stubborn I am.hahahaha.Riteeee.Okies maybe thts partially true(:P) So am gonna be tutored n wont be goin back to skool till bout next year.N I'll only come for test n spanish.FUCK!!!!!!! Also am not allowed anywhere near my gf.As though thts ever gonna happen! Whtever.But am really gonna miss them soo much.N I really dread seein my mum for the whole damn day.It gets annoyin after a while speacially her naggin.So am gonna be totally isolated n am only gonna be able to communicate with him but his gonna be busy with his own thing so yeah....

I'm pretty much alone at the end of the day.But nothing is gonna keep me away from my darlinz.They're like family to me! But this is my last year of high skool n I never thought it would end in such a fucked up note.Everything is just sooo messed up.I just feel like gettin away for a while n forget bout everythin n just live.Even its just for a day.

I need a getaway,
From all this misery,
Guess independence starts from here,
I'm just drownin n out of breathe,
Someone save me.

-Walkin down this empty roads alone-

Holdin On

[Mood: Depressed]
[Music: Nada Surf - Inside of Love]

My idea of a good two week holz is goin somewhere or just chillin at home n being dead bored or doin something enjoyable.I had no idea mine was goin to turn into a bitter nightmare in the second day.

My mum found out bout all the hanky-panky thats been goin.N as usual she totally flipped out.There was yellin n screaming for pretty much the whole day.The cause and the source of this happenin is *drum roll plez* ....MY SIS!..I was real dumb to trust her seriously n the only reason she told was cause she got fucked for skool work n to save her ass n make her story seem small she told on me.Yea I sorta do hate her now! My life is in a totally messed up stage now.My mum is in an all lecture mood n everyone else just givez me the cold stare.His been my pillar to lean onto lately n am glad tht his sooo patient with everything.Am currently phone-less n fuckin bored n emo...am not sure if am even goin back to skool n mum's meetin with teacher on thursday.

So its a living nightmare rite now but my darlinz have been steadily on my side n I love them for it! It's so hard to put up with everythin but am at no point of regret n I feel its a just a tough phase thats been thrown at me.I'm feelin so weak lately but am gonna fight to make it through.The consequences are not as bad as before but my parents have "lost trust" in me sorta thing and it's gonna take a whole lotta convincing to get back on their good side.

P.S: Am grounded for another decade I suppose

Life's soooo FUCKED UP!
For the moment...

My Song Is Love

[Mood: Painful]
[Music: ColdPlay - A Message]

I have no idea what's been goin on in my head,
Or what I've been thinking,
I just wanted to live it for the moment,
Didn't wanna think bout consequeces,
I wanted to live by the too young to care line,
But my actions seem unexplainable,
But the very intent and the very act of a lie,
I'm not where all that came from,
These are the people that make my world go round,
The ones that keep me sane and are my biggest support system,
The ones that keep on the right path all the time,
How could I have hurt them?
I've lost myself along the way lately,
Losin my principles,
Everything I've stood for,
Disappointed,
That's what that has been done,
Not only myself but the very ones I love,
Such a cold thing to do,
Thise has never been me,
I have never been known for being so cruel,so hurtful,
Knowin deep within that I will have to deal with all this alone,

Broken your trust,
That's what I've done,
Thrown away the faith you've had on me,
Puttin myself in your shoes makes me tear,
There isn't an enough of an apology for my actions,
I'll understand if you wanna stay away for a while,
But am hopin for not too long,
I know my actions were harsh n painful,
But I love you very much,
And am deeply sorry for doing so,
You're like a sister to me,
Alwayz being there and holding me when am in tears,
But lately I haven't been showin how much I care,
I feel the change,
And that its not for the good,
I will do somethin bout it,
And am gonna start with you,
Am sorry for it all,
And I truly hope you forgive me....

The Long Weekend

[Mood: Worn Out]
[Music: Breaking Benjamin - Breathe]

The preparations for sports day has been hectic.I tried to get fit in 2 months or so.I started joggin and practicin badminton every other day.I was sore a whole lot but am not sure why but I really wanted to do this.Never been a sporty person n all tht but I decided to give it a go.

I was super nervous the day before n I just knew I was gonna lose.But I was super scared tht everyone would laugh at me or somethin.Couldnt really sleep n I woke up 4:45 that mornin.Got ready,had breakfast and headed to sonya's around 6.We chilled till around 7 somethin n then left to the stadium.Every other skool had their own tshirts and ours was the only tht had diff shades of purple.And we were the most uncordinated one!! Whatmore was that we were the host of the event.*sheesh* Had the march past thing and we were totally fooling around the whole time.Hilarious! There was a few openin dances but the other skools n then we had netball n football.We got to the finals for both but didn't win...we got to the penalty shoot out for football!...I was panickin for the whole day...totally freaked out bout the badminton...chilled till bout 3 n then the game started around 3 somethin.The usual gang were there cheerin n I felt better with all of them there...hehe...n suprisingly I won the first round!!..*beams with joy*...but lost the 2nd cause the constent from the other skool's dad was there...he was totally buddin but whtever! The doublez was intersting.The gf and I bet the first team easily.We were like "wht the hell happened?"..we didnt even practice..haha...n in the 2nd round we were up againsnt....*suspense*...The Racheyz!!...haha...I know!...on skool!...lolz...they bet us n we didn't really care cause anywayz our skool wins...N they did practice more than us..
After that I chilled at Sonya's place..she was sweet enough to let me sleep...was soo wiped out.I slept for an hour n then watched her bro n his fren play Resident Evil 2.I had no P.S 2 could be soo intersting.Reached home around 8 somethin n then chilled with the family.Mum was proud cause I actually achieved somethin in sports for once..she even massaged my damaged ankle!!...Love her loadz!!

Church was the usual.Oh there's this new guy whos started to attend n his sorta cute actually(:P) His 20 somethin but totally doesnt look like it n doesnt really hang around his age group.His super shy n everythin n I havent picked up the courage to speak to him yetz.Workin on tht..hehe...had lunch at an Indian restaurant...went shoppin n got this super cute pants!!! But got into an argument with mummy over a skirt.It was extrmely cute but she made a fuss that is was too short.BLEH.Came home n slept n lazed around for the whole day.

Monday came n I was out for the whole day.Was at Pyramid n all that.It gets sorta complicated here so I'm not gonna go in too much detail.I had dinner with rachey,vitz,kc,eddy,james n nicholas at tht chicken place.Actually kc n I ate at mcdz.Then I hanged with Rachey n Vitz till bout 8.They tried to educate me on Anime but I was just interested in the gay stuff(:P) Then they went cd shoppin.Got home n slept super early.

Was totally lazy ass that mornin n decided to skip skool.I chilled for the rest of the day n did absolutely notta productive.I really hav 2 start gettin back on study mode!

"You're a messed up chick!"
-Vitz-

Tagged!

[Mood: Reminiscing]
[Music: Avril Lavigne - I Will Be]

5 THINGS FOUND IN YOUR BAG.....
~~Wallet - Never leave home without money
~~Lip Gloss - A must must!
~~Hp-Communication purposes
~~Compact Powder-Comes with a mirror:P
~~Comb-Very handy!

5 THINGS FOUND INSIDE UR PURSE/WALLET....
~~Identity Card - a must...must
~~Cash - Like dUh
~~Calender - For plannings
~~Pics - Looks cute
~~Coins

5 FAVOURITE THINGS IN MY ROOM....
~~My Lappie - My LIFE!
~~My radio - Runs 22 hrs a day
~~My stuff tiger - His very treasured..hehe
~~My wardrobe - Love my clothes!
~~My Cd collection

5 THINGS YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO...
~ GO TO PARIS
~~ Go to Rome - Beautiful history there!
~~ A total beach vaca - I < 3 the beach
~~ Get a tougue ring - Sooooo HOTT
~~ Write a book - Will be intersting

5 THINGS UR CURRENTLY INTO...
~~ Bloggin
~~Music
~~ Grey's Anatomy
~~ One Tree Hill
~~ The person am on the phone with soo much..hehe..

~5 PEOPLE YOU WILL TAG....
~~Sharu - I know you did it...hehe
~~Zim - since ur bored so much:P
~~Rachey
~~Ariel
~~Rita

Scientific dayz

[Mood: Sick]
[Music: Evan Olsan - Not What I Wanted]

It's been quite a while but I've been sorta lazy to update.Notta much as been happenin lately.Sports day practices...studyin and being bored.Yeah definatley the usual.I don't remember much of last week.But it was pretty casual actually.

Well we had a science camp sorta thing a week back.Tht was pretty fun.Not overly educationcal but we were sick talkin n camwhorin mostly so here are some pics:

Some baking soda yeast thing

We improvised the cover with the dropper:p

Looked hott

The Happy Patato(this was what we discentted!)

Totally Grey's Anatomy

Boredom: Bryan's New Manicure

Rachey and Silas doodlings

The protected water sprayer...*I know looks peverted*..haha

Kc and Me....the camera had to end up on us..<3

The River Keeps Flowin

[Mood: Tired]
[Music: Avril Lavigne - I can do better]

So my week has started in a totally fucked up note. The same usual thing.Yea...its like a never ending circle....*sheesh*..I have no idea what I would do with my best frenz. Vitz called me at 3 in the mornin cause I needed someone to talk to and was a totally darlin cause he chatted for an hour even thought he was tired and the gf got my sms and called me the first thing in the mornin. She called throughout the day to make sure I was ok. Love you guyz!>3

And therefore I baked after a longtime.My family have no idea about my "baking only in a bad mood" thing.I do bake when am happy but mostly when am upset. They just enjoyed the fudge. That was fun and I felt happy. Bakin alwayz makes me feel good.That nite I was on the phone till bout 4 something in the mornin.

My current tv show obssession: Grey's Anatomy!!
I'm soooo hooked on it.The actors are cool,the story line intersting and has the fair share of drama,and I absolutely adore the intros.I use to collect them before I even started watchin the series.I'm just done with season 1.Season 2 on the way....

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.
-- "Greys Anatomy

Wanting To Bleed Away

[Mood: Depressed]

[Music: Linkin Park -Numb]

I'm just another one of thoes girls who laughs during phone calls

Forces herself to fake a smile everyday

And then collapse on her bed

And cries herself to sleep

With mascara running down her face;she is such a beautiful disgrace.

With the tears falling faster;she is such a beautiful disaster.

She loved you with all she could.

She made you her life.

She gave you her heart.

Only to have it all hoved back in her face.

Tonight my headphones
Will bring these songs of sorrow.

My sweet therapy.

You told me you loved me.
More than anything.
You said you would never hurt me.
You would never leave me.
Well
You know what dear?
All your promises turned out to be lies.

Just what we all need
More lies about a world that
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've decieved me
(Evanescence.)

As my eyes open from their state of sleep,
I feel my blood turn into a frozen river.
Nightmares told me
Death was in the air.
A piece of me is gone forever.
Clutching memories held so close.
Repeating words of love spoken too late.

Lookin At The Sky

[Mood: Bored]
[Music: Good Charlotte - Misery]

I took this quizy.Seemed pretty intersting.Some of it is true>> Quiz Linkie{http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx}>>

Your view on yourself: You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for: You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship: You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love: You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education: Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you: You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success: You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of: You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self: You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

The Question

[Mood: Lame]
[Music: Hilary Duff - Happy]

Just when I thought we have reached a higher level,
You made a promise,
I was moved to tears by your words,
But I guess to easily yet again,
Vunerable,
Yea that's me right now,
I believed whole heartedly,
I don't get these phase,
Afraid to put my heart on the line again,
Can't bear to get hurt all over again,
I'm startin to question a lot lately,
The pain lingers,
But the tears don't seem to be on the outside,
So much has been said and done,
Yet its so easy for you to throw it all away,
These dayz I've been fighting so hard to keep you with me,
But am gettin drained,
You said you loved me,
The next second you just want me out of your life,
I don't wanna tie you down to me,
It's very unfair of me to do that,
Not wanting to be selfish,
But so afraid to get heartbroken,
Sittin by my favourite corner,
With my music and tears,
You tell me to trust you with my heart,
And am tryin,
But its so hard when I have no idea what you will do or say the very next moment,
I feel like running away,
Leavin all this behind,
But I know memories will never leave my soul,
I remember every detail of the times I've spent with you,
The way I looked at you,
The way you held me,
Everything means so much to me,
Is it the same for you?

What lies behind us & what lies before us
Are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Let The Record Play

[Mood: Lazy]
[Music: Good Charlotte - Broken Hearts Parade]

Am effin sore...Sports has never done me good my either life n I have no idea why I keep tryin..*sheesh*...my week has been long n I've been sorta slackin on skool work a lil.Can't help it if I fuckin hate math.N I have to do it up to grade 12....*BAH*...teacher asked that day if I really wanted 2 do computer science...n I was like I don't know...so he suggested an apptitude test...*sheesh*...all this career thing is soo effin complicated...

So I've been cravin for those Good Charlotte tickets, yet this turned out to be like the "Simple plan case".Seriously it turned out fuckin complicated n I just was sooo upset for the whole freakin weekend cause of it.I know you might be thinkin why am makin such a huge fuss over this but seriously when I started listenin 2 punk rock.I started out with GC n their lyrics really says a lot and what goes on around us.It just really deep stuff n music makes me world go round n shit..I just really wanted 2 go...fuck....I'll stop rabblin here....So Sunday came n it was very usual.I got my badminton racket..*beams with joy*...haha..came home super worn out.Pretty much chilled for the rest of the day.

Monday was tirin cause I slept at 5 the nite before...which is techinally mornin...but whatever.The first question I got tht mornin was "u went for Good Charlotte ar?" and I was like"*cursin under my breathe*...No!*.When I reached for assembly...a bunch of others came up to me with the same freakin question.Seriously by break I was tellin Vitz that if one more person came up 2 me with tht question,I would seriously SLIT THEIR THROAT!! Then he just had to ask...He came up 2 me the whole day greetin me with this "Hey my fren who didn't get to see GC" Thank God for my high patience level...haha...U know I love ya 2 much 2 slit ur throat darlin!!!....~XoXo

I woke up effin late this mornin n didnt go to skool.I slept for pretty much the whole day n just woke up.I'm blamin all the exercise! I have badminton 2 moro...*snifflez*...n am gonna go start joggin 2day! Wish me luck..I'm gonna need it! And no I didn't collapse durin my jog this mornin vitz!

This is for the girls who never won,who stay up all night listening to music that inspires them to do things next to impossible,
The girls that laugh, smile, cry, and think all on a daily basis,
The girls who like, learn, and regret;
The girls who may never have it easy.
The girls who learn the hard way,and live to tell about it.
The real girls.

Livin It Up Honey

And so it was Christine's farewell dinner/outing thing last friday.I mean I had one for her at my place on Wednesday.That was effin fun.Talked bout college,boyz,and gossiped like crazy..haha.I'm really gonna miss ya dearest!! We had a dinner for her at this buffet place in pyramid and gettin there after skool was an adventure on its own.Thank God shauny was drivin that day.So Shauny went to get Kc n while we waited for everyone,durin tht time Kc got my phone locked by tryin 2 set up the SIM password.So Shauny was a total sweetheart n dropped us at the DiGi center n went to leave Daniel at his place so he could change.While waiting we got Vitz to change his plan so we could get GC tickets but it seems you have to go to Times Square n shit...so he was like no wayz...hehe....we finally got the code n all...hanged at the TM Net center and camwhored..

Shauny picked us after tht,happy 2 have hanged in Daniel's room(inside gay joke)...headed to Pyramid and the gf and I were totally bimbo's in the car.Camwhorin even more and laughing our heads off...headed to the restaurant and met up with Esther...poor gurlie she was rottin there for hours...we had dinner but then Kc had to leave early..Christine arrived n we took a group piccy...I hanged for a while n he decided to pay me a suprise visit...Rachey arrived soon n I met up with her...I chilled with them a while but thingz started to get tensed at the table n also I needed transport to go home and Shauny's car was full so I followed him.

We were walked 2 Sunway college n it started raining.So we took a cab there n he sorta dragged me to some ACCA social event.Seriesly I've never felt so out of place before.Like am not even in freakin college yetz! So i sat there pretty much sulking n he got the idea.haha...Thank God his smart:p...so we hanged out at the foyer n he checked out my skool work...u know I think all this while his being thinkin when I say I'v got loadz to study that am sayin it 2 do somethin else.....*sheesh*....his reaction was ever so hilarious...he went "wow ur seriesly smart la" n all tht...yeah babe did u just realize tht!!..lolz...he left me back by taxi...real sweet of him...I reached home at bout 9 somethin n chilled on the phone till bout 1...

It waz definately a fun day n a total adventure.Shall post piccys.We totally camwhored!

Best FRIENDS:
know that you're slow,stupid, && mess around yet,
they still don't care about beeing [s e e n]with you in (p u b l i c)
Because they know they're idiots too<3

We Are Just Shadows

[Mood: Emo]
[Music: Anastasia ft. Ben Moody - Everything Burns]

Really everything around me seems so fuckin messed up rite now.

I think am slowly learning to rely on just me.

I'm afraid to trust or open up.

Think am gonna stick to being that way for a while.

So sick of crying and I think now I seem to cry out of confusion.

Tired of being let down and everything seem to be a freakin routine.

Feelin locked up and fighting so hard to find freedom,

Nothing seems right anymore,

When I think that am finally happy,

Its like I triger off some sorta force,

It shows that am wrong,

Yeah I feel like screamning,

Don't you know that this misery loves me?

Finding that out this tonite,

I hate this voice that keeps ringing in my head,

I wish it would just stop sometimes,

Wanting to hold your hand and to smile,

To know that I'll be alrite,

I want that secruity,

But I can't seem to find that,

I count the dayz,

Its alwayz precisely a week,

Been waiting for it to stop,

Doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon,

Yes I'm bleeding,

Sometimes it seems healed,

But soon enough it starts all over again and I can't seem to make it stop,

I really want it to stop,

Please make it stop

& it makes everything somuch harder, you know? It makes things harder

when you hold everything in.It's almost like I can't even

breathe without feeling like I shouldn't be.

To Inspire And Be Inspired

[Mood: Tired]
[Music: Dj Sammy - Heaven(remix)]

Lately I was told that I should stop being cold and actually show emotion.Stop livin in my own lil world and actually go through the time given at hand.I know.I've alwayz had a problem with that. Even when am so hurt by what was said, I just stand there with a meak smile and then much later I'll sit and ponder on why those words were said.I've alwayz been afraid to show emotion and I have no idea why. I'm guess am afraid to triger the wrong reaction or somethin. I alwayz seem to bottle up all my feelings and store them in a cupboard.React much later when am alone or somethin.But I know I have to stop doin that. Sometimes when I care so much, I may seem cold but I really don't mean to. It's my way of protecting myself you could say. Am sorry if I've been runnin away or avoiding you lately. You mean so much to me and have been my pillar of hope.Lettin me that I'm gonna be alrite when am afraid that I was gonna fall and disappoint. You've always let me know that being me is all that its gonna take to make it..nothing more and nothing less.Whenever I felt like I've falled short, you remind me of my roots and who am I deep inside.I love you. I hope you know that. My biggest inspiration you are. Smiling through it all everyday.My rolemodel.There are no words to describe how much you mean to me.I will make you proud.I really will.For I can never bear to disappoint you.Really can't...I care so much about you.You mean the world to me.And I hope you know that.For I'm gonna try to show you that everyday for now onwards.

I want power in my words,
I want passion in my eyes.
And when I wake up,
I want life to be a surprise

Hotter 17

[Mood: Happy]
[Music: Kelis - Milkshake]

So my 17th birthday has come and gone.It was a pretty casual one this yr and I spent it with my family and another celebration with him.I had dinner with the family the usual trado stuff.He decided to take me down to Sepang, n we ended up watchin F1 cars and eatin hershey.More like I ate the hershey. We chilled outz for pretty much the rest of the day.Oh and did I mention he allowed me drive again.He must really trust me with his life oh somethin cause I was spendin down the highway at 140mph.Definately fuckin thrillin! I had a great time and he got me the cutest stuffed tiger ever.I totally love it! His name is fluffy btw:P The orginal plan that day was to go to KLIA and watch planes but then we got diverted. I've alwayz wanted to check out the circuit anywayz so yeah it was cool.Thankz darlin! Muakz!

So Hotter 17.Slightly EmaL...I know but Yes I do feel older and I'm really gonna miss being sweet 16. It's alwayz been cool to say "yeah am sweet 16."Now its sorta like yeah yeah "Am Hotter 17"N then I get these odd stares..haha...So I think I've really learned in the last couple of yrs.I've had my fair share of fun,adventure,crazyness,wild dayz and drama.And this year seems to be leadin to a whole lot more of it.I'm excited for it all.I'm gonna embrace it n learn to get the best from it.Lately I've really been livin by this philosophy that "Everything happens for a reason" thing.It has been doin me good.

Kc and I were havin one of those "serious" convos that day.We realized that we've sorta passed through that "mid-teen" phase and thingz that seem oh so important then,didn't seem to big now.We realized that we've startin to grown up and responsibilities are kickin in. So many important decisions are yet to made.And these are not the minor ones,but decisions that could effect your entire life.College,courses to persue,principles,priorities and much more.I'm definately feelin the preassure.But I'm glad I have a great support system by my side.They really keep me goin.

Goin back to skool has been crazy and tirin.But I've offically quit procrastinating.*Extremely proud*

I'm gonna go wait for my phone to ring..

Loadz of Love