I'm Going to Miss You So Much Aunt Pat

It started out a very typical day yesterday. Eric dropped me off after college at around 4. Grabbed some cereal and bummed in front of the tv. Mum was off at the home, my sis was well around and it was nice and quite for some leisure time. At around 5 something or so, I got a phone call from my grandma..deep down I knew this was the phone call I feared..she was crying and told me my aunt was gone. I just held the phone and proccesed those words slowly. I passed the phone to my grandpa and called my dad is singapore straight away and told him to tell my mum cause no way was I going to do it. I went and told my sis and she started screamning at me. I just went to my room and turned on my music and allowed myself to cry.

My mum came home devestated and we went over to her place. Everyone was there. Family, relatives, what not. Dad came over at about 11 something and we spent the night there.

The funeral was the next day at noon. I never really cried that much the last few months that she was sick but my emotions burst from its bottle today. My dad gave a speech and I cried the most I think. I think the whole funeral process was very thereputic for me..like all the emotions that I've kept in me the last few months came out.

I came home tired. Tired from all the crying, emotional tired...Her daughter is gonna stat with us from now on. I can see everyone around me is just emotional drained. As the saying goes...Only Time Can Heal the Pain..

Dear Aunty Pat,

You have alwayz been such an amazing person. You had a great heart and alwayz gave instead of taking. I know I was ungrateful sometimes and am sorry. You will alwayz be like a second mum to me like I've alwayz said every since I was young. I know I took that for granted sometimes and there were times where I've said hurtful things, but I never meant anything by it. Thank you for all the countless times you've made me smile or went out of your way to do so. I will alwayz remember those last nights at your house where we talked about everything and your countless advice. Thank you for alwayz listening to me when I needed to be listnened to and spoiling me when I needed to be.Knowning that you wont be there anymore at some of the biggest moments in my life makes me very sad. Remember the countless times we talked about my wedding and my children and how you are suppose to be babysit them and threnten to tell them things you're not to suppose to..lol...that makes me sad..that you won't be here to do that. Sometimes I can't believe that you're gone. I really can't..There at times I wanna pick up the phone and call you just to hear you...

I'm sorry I didnt visit you as much as I should have the last few months. It was really too painful and I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I remember the last thing you said to me..you reminded me to feel..to let my emotions run through me and feel for another..and I will alwayz remember that and work towards that. You're strength through the pain will alwayz inspire me to fight..through anything that life throws at me..I've alwayz admired you for being such a wonderfully strong person.

I love you so much and am really gonna miss you.Thank you for being apart of my life.

I love you..

Your niece,
Ezreena

The Scars

[AFI - Prelude12/21]

In the wake of the darkness,
She finds herself again,
With all that has hurt her and those bitter memoirs,
She’s unwilling to forgive and let through,
All that anger holds her together,
That strength that doesn’t show lingers within,
In its own corner deep,
She can’t find it now,
And hasn’t been able to for a while now,
She doesn’t understand,
It doesn’t makes sense,
Nothing has and nothing will,
Crawling around finding for the light,
She senses it but nowhere to be found,
But the blade is nearby,
She’s constantly found it,
It has been her best friend for a while now,
The crimson stains on it reminds her of the worst days,
Just like the one today,
The scars have slowly began to fade but still bare its mark,
Her wrist are covered with them,
Each cut havin its own story,
No one knows this gurl,
She doesn’t ever show herself to the rest of the world,
For to the others,
She’s an ordinary teenager,
Having it all,
Livin the life,
The dream,
The idea of perfection.
This girl hopes to be found one day,
By someone,
Anyone,

As she softly but slowly slides the blade across her pale white skin,
Her tears seem to get heavier,
She watches the drops of blood hit the floor,
With each drop, she prays for better days,
For hope
For love,
For peace,
Mostly for peace with herself,
Laying the blade by her side,
The tears and blood are just another one of those dayz going by,
The unbearable kind.

She softly runs her delicate fingers across her new fresh scar,
Knowing its story is yet to be revealed.

In Memory of Heath Ledger

[Mood: Thoughtful]
[Music: Michelle Featherstone - God Bless The Child]

I found out bout the death of Heath Ledger on the radio.It's just real sad isnt it.I mean am not a huge fan or anything but he was a good actor n kinda cute.Yet to watch Brokeback Mountain though.He was real young,27 if am not mistaking.N just started a family.It's not a confirmed suicide but I read that he couldnt sleep at all before he died.Like he was constantly tired.He would be at clubs at 3 in the morning and play chess in the park till bout 6.He told a magazine that his mind couldn't rest,that it was alwayz on full speed.

That seems to be pretty usual these dayz.Ppl are lacking peace of mind and spirit.So they decide to completely rest their soul.I think havin peace of mind is a gift and privilage that not all posseses.It's one of those few that can deal with problems,anxiety n all those thoughts that are goin wild in their heads.Some can withstand but some simply give up.

I guess we have a choice to potray strength or to simply show off our weekness.To push on a lil further or just to end it all in a blink of an eye.It's a huge tragedy when the young n those pouring with life decide to simply be blind and give up.

Down The Path

[Mood: Emo]
[Music: Ben Lee - Ripe]

Walking down the path of memories,
Carryin so much tht meant the world to her,
She stares at the path ahead of her and wanders what stands,
Fear mixed with anxiety n a tiny bit of excitment seems to be tangled all together
She stares at all the smilin faces and laughs,
And wanders how real could they be?
Are they just as fake as hers?
Just to keep away the dark stares and undesired questions,
Closin her eyes she imagines herself back where she was,
Where all that was in her was real,
Those feelings and joy,
Where burdens didn't exist and there was a safer place always nearby,
Smilin slowly she feels those tiny drops of tears trinkle down her face,
The world was a cruel place and she knew that oh to well,
But she 's seen the better place,
The safer n sweeter place,
And that pain that lingered,
It was the cause of the a broken heart,
And a hopeless soul.

Tears and Blood

[Mood: Dark]
[Music: The Rasmus - In The Shadows]

The never ending nightmare,
One that’s long and so real,
So true that she can actually feel the tears fallin down her faces,
These horrible feelings,
The heartbreak,
It’s suppose to be a lesson,
To appericate and never take for grated,

This dream is longer than expected or meant to be.
Reality is really much prettier,
She knows that,
She is happy with now,
She hates this nightmare,
In it she cries every nite with songs reading out her pain,

The unbearable heartache,
She cuts so that the pain would be visible,
How could everything so perfect ever became this,
Deep down she’s glad its all in her head,
And thats what that keeps her calm…..

All of a sudden she opens her eyes,
She sees the wet stained pillow,
The crimson stained blade,

The fresh scars on her wrists,
Lookin around its exactly like her nightmare,
It was real,

The Tears...Blood...Pain...Scars..

Loosing it she screams,
The bitter sound rings through her ears,
Choking she stammers,
Thoughts jugglin all around,
Her wrists bleeding,
She looks for answers....

The happiness the smiling,
It wasn't real,
Screamning and sobbin,
No one hears her,
How could this be?
It was perfect…the smiles,the laughter,
It was all meant to be,
The promises,
Those beautiful words,
Where has it all gone?
This can’t be…all those time spent and effort put it,
How could it have vanished in thin air?
She can’t believe she is really alone,
Who is goin to be by her side now?
Who is going to make her feel safe and chase away the darkness?
She’s crawling on the floor with her tears and blood stained hands,
This isn’t how it was suppose to be,
This wasn’t suppose to happen,…
How did it end up like this…
HOW