I'm Going to Miss You So Much Aunt Pat

It started out a very typical day yesterday. Eric dropped me off after college at around 4. Grabbed some cereal and bummed in front of the tv. Mum was off at the home, my sis was well around and it was nice and quite for some leisure time. At around 5 something or so, I got a phone call from my grandma..deep down I knew this was the phone call I feared..she was crying and told me my aunt was gone. I just held the phone and proccesed those words slowly. I passed the phone to my grandpa and called my dad is singapore straight away and told him to tell my mum cause no way was I going to do it. I went and told my sis and she started screamning at me. I just went to my room and turned on my music and allowed myself to cry.

My mum came home devestated and we went over to her place. Everyone was there. Family, relatives, what not. Dad came over at about 11 something and we spent the night there.

The funeral was the next day at noon. I never really cried that much the last few months that she was sick but my emotions burst from its bottle today. My dad gave a speech and I cried the most I think. I think the whole funeral process was very thereputic for me..like all the emotions that I've kept in me the last few months came out.

I came home tired. Tired from all the crying, emotional tired...Her daughter is gonna stat with us from now on. I can see everyone around me is just emotional drained. As the saying goes...Only Time Can Heal the Pain..

Dear Aunty Pat,

You have alwayz been such an amazing person. You had a great heart and alwayz gave instead of taking. I know I was ungrateful sometimes and am sorry. You will alwayz be like a second mum to me like I've alwayz said every since I was young. I know I took that for granted sometimes and there were times where I've said hurtful things, but I never meant anything by it. Thank you for all the countless times you've made me smile or went out of your way to do so. I will alwayz remember those last nights at your house where we talked about everything and your countless advice. Thank you for alwayz listening to me when I needed to be listnened to and spoiling me when I needed to be.Knowning that you wont be there anymore at some of the biggest moments in my life makes me very sad. Remember the countless times we talked about my wedding and my children and how you are suppose to be babysit them and threnten to tell them things you're not to suppose to..lol...that makes me sad..that you won't be here to do that. Sometimes I can't believe that you're gone. I really can't..There at times I wanna pick up the phone and call you just to hear you...

I'm sorry I didnt visit you as much as I should have the last few months. It was really too painful and I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I remember the last thing you said to me..you reminded me to feel..to let my emotions run through me and feel for another..and I will alwayz remember that and work towards that. You're strength through the pain will alwayz inspire me to fight..through anything that life throws at me..I've alwayz admired you for being such a wonderfully strong person.

I love you so much and am really gonna miss you.Thank you for being apart of my life.

I love you..

Your niece,
Ezreena

The Scars

[AFI - Prelude12/21]

In the wake of the darkness,
She finds herself again,
With all that has hurt her and those bitter memoirs,
She’s unwilling to forgive and let through,
All that anger holds her together,
That strength that doesn’t show lingers within,
In its own corner deep,
She can’t find it now,
And hasn’t been able to for a while now,
She doesn’t understand,
It doesn’t makes sense,
Nothing has and nothing will,
Crawling around finding for the light,
She senses it but nowhere to be found,
But the blade is nearby,
She’s constantly found it,
It has been her best friend for a while now,
The crimson stains on it reminds her of the worst days,
Just like the one today,
The scars have slowly began to fade but still bare its mark,
Her wrist are covered with them,
Each cut havin its own story,
No one knows this gurl,
She doesn’t ever show herself to the rest of the world,
For to the others,
She’s an ordinary teenager,
Having it all,
Livin the life,
The dream,
The idea of perfection.
This girl hopes to be found one day,
By someone,
Anyone,

As she softly but slowly slides the blade across her pale white skin,
Her tears seem to get heavier,
She watches the drops of blood hit the floor,
With each drop, she prays for better days,
For hope
For love,
For peace,
Mostly for peace with herself,
Laying the blade by her side,
The tears and blood are just another one of those dayz going by,
The unbearable kind.

She softly runs her delicate fingers across her new fresh scar,
Knowing its story is yet to be revealed.

Out of Nowhere

[Augustana - Bostan]

"You watch a movie,the lead actresses who leads a normal life all of a sudden is diagosed with a terrible illness...you feel her pain and shed tears.You feel for her friends and family.*movie ends* You turn off the tv and wipe away the tears,smile to yourself than you saw a bit of how it feels like to be in that situation and go on with you life"

I've always liked movies like this.They always seem to give me a glipse into the world or so I felt like it.But I never thought that this situation would make its wayy into my life.

My aunt has been diagonesed with cancer.And we've been given the whole no hope thing.She was hospitalized recently but she got sent back a few days ago.It's been hard on the family.Specially my mum.She's goes on daydream when you're having a conversation with her and she looks real sad all the time.My grandma and everyone else at home is trying their best I would say.

And for me...

Well I think it hasn't really sunk in yet.I've had the whole tears thing here and there but I think my brain has been locking up that bit of information farr away that I can't seem to locate it at times.These days I just feel so emotional-less.I guess deep down I just can't grasp that this is happening to me. Sometimes it all feels like a dream.Or in a movie I can't seem to escape.

But everyone has been praying and we're having faith.She's also been showing signs of improvement.She's eating normally,talking and all.So do keep her in your prayers.

It's been really crazy lately running back at forth from the hospital.But she got sent home a week back.Now since she's at my place,we've been having a stream of relatives of which am not too pleased about.At first it was ok but now they're around every day! I know they're trying to be nice and all but distance relatives are only meant to be seen during christmas.They're kinda meant to be distant,that's why they're called distant relatives. I think if they hang around you too much,they prey to much.That's just annoying.That other day I got the whole "do you have facebook?" question.I plainly said "oh i forgot the email I use there and the name I use"
You really don't need to check up on my life.Thank you.

I haven't been able to get online for quite a while.Finally found time.So that's why the major lack in updates.Btw sorry if I haven't been able to meet up with you guys lately.It's just been real crazy.We'll have an outing real soon kies! I need one newayz!!...

xoxo

Just As It Has Been

I have my angry playlist on repeat.
Its just been created.

I'm just feeling so trapped. Being in a box that has barely any room and the whole thing is sealed.
Am running out of air and patience.
There are times where am at the verge of exploading.But then I go through the stop and breathe procedure and stuff all these emotions back in. I don't know for how long more I can pull this off.And I doubt this will go away anytime soon. It's alwayz been there all these years and I guess will alwayz be...Sometimes I wish they would just see me from me and not who they want to see..I wish I could just put down my guard once and for all!If only if it were that simply.But then I rather be on a deserted island then do tht..

They say honesty is alwayz the best but here it is not.Really.How long can all this go on for? Damn I'm just gonna jinx the whole situation la..*knocks on wood*....Seriously I dont even wanna go there.I just wanna it to go on forever so I never have the deal with it all.

I can't really go into details because its complicated.
And I just don't wanna think about it too much.Maybe that's why.

I really needed to get this out...

So..

HERE IT IS

Vulnerability

[Music: Leona Lewis - Here I Am]

Vulnerable: Capable of being emotionally and physically wounded ( Meriam-Webster)

Sometimes without realization we put ourselves into such vulnerable positions.We think that by putting ourselves out there that another would understand our past and help us through the future.Secretly hoping that they do not take advantage of it all,knowing all the emotionally weakness and soft points that we carry deep within; revealing only to those that has given us a sense of secruity.

Without realization we show our care and love to another in our on little ways.Most of time without the another knowing the meanings of these little gestures and there are the rare occasion where we speak out our emotions just so its our there and its presence is made known.

Putting oneself out there selflessly is an act of courage and strength that not many possess.Maybe cause of past experiences or a remaining scar that we refuse to let another into our lives.We may have our reasons,nevertheless there are moments where a ray of hope shine's through and there's that tiny voice that rings in your head saying "maybe just maybe it will be different this time" and at times we let that voice get through our screaming consciuous.

This risk can turn out to be a start of something wonderful or it could be what your conscious was killing you about.But then there are the callous people.The most cruel of sort.The kind that is subtle at first and just when you have faith over the top,they push you of the cliff and leave you to fall face first.That's the kind that hurt the most and your couscious takes over from here, killing you about your doltishness.That's the kind that mixes anger and fustration and pain,balling up into this bitterness that you carry along with you till the day you decide to forgive and let go.

I've put myself in situations like this quite a few times but the most recent was totally unexpected.At first I was just plainly so mad..truly I've never been so angry at a person before..I think it was mostly fustration and disappointment.Just a huge percentage of it Disappointment though.But I'm takin it all in and sorting it out in my own way,this time without anger getting in and taking over.Personally anger just kills you and it's the one thing that I never wanna kept within and hold on to.So am letting it all go and taking it as another lesson learned the hard wayy...

Just Tired...Plainly Tired

[Music: Blake Lewis - How Many Words]

I have no idea what the hell is up with this mood swing

I mean I did skool work n I felt productive

But am just fuckin pissed off n bitter.

Hurt,sad,upset...all mixed into one horrid emotion!

Stupid thoughts...

Fuckin reminiscing

I doubt this is hormonal

Maybe it's the weather,

But I like the rain..So it's definately not it

It's just not my day...

I've been fighting it all day but it's clinging onto me

I need a chill pill

I think I had wayy to much famous amos cookies..*binging*

In times like this I find dark poems so relate-able( I doubt that's even a word)..You know the kind about the crimson blood drippin from a blade

Argggggghhh!!!!!

Just fuck it...fuck it!

-Emotionally Drained-

I'll Be Wearin These Scars For Everyone To See

[Music: My Chemical Romance - Drowning Lessons]

Cut Me Open n I...

Keep Bleeding,

Keep, Keep Bleendin Love,

Keep Bleedin,

Keep,Keep Bleedin Love...

Down The Path

[Mood: Emo]
[Music: Ben Lee - Ripe]

Walking down the path of memories,
Carryin so much tht meant the world to her,
She stares at the path ahead of her and wanders what stands,
Fear mixed with anxiety n a tiny bit of excitment seems to be tangled all together
She stares at all the smilin faces and laughs,
And wanders how real could they be?
Are they just as fake as hers?
Just to keep away the dark stares and undesired questions,
Closin her eyes she imagines herself back where she was,
Where all that was in her was real,
Those feelings and joy,
Where burdens didn't exist and there was a safer place always nearby,
Smilin slowly she feels those tiny drops of tears trinkle down her face,
The world was a cruel place and she knew that oh to well,
But she 's seen the better place,
The safer n sweeter place,
And that pain that lingered,
It was the cause of the a broken heart,
And a hopeless soul.

The Year That Was

[Mood: Thoughtful]
[Music: Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love]

It's New Year's Eve and am in reminscing mode.I can't believe a year has passed by ever so fast.It seems like I just celebrated the New Year of 07.

This year I would say has been a very educational year for me.I've learned sooo much and grown.And the whole process has not been easy on me.I mean I've gone through everything from depression to a break down.Lost myself along the way and cried a river.But am grateful for it all in a way.

My challenges started from June onwards.Startin with the break up and all.That was my lowest point this year.But am grateful for the endless support from the people I love.And I've learned to lean on myself sometimes.Guess emotional independence kicked in this year.I learned tht ppl dont change no matter how much you sacrifce n give.They are who they are.They may put this temporary mask for a while but the deep down the core never changes.Also I found out tht good things don't come immediately after a bad thing...sometimes horrible things come after bad things just to see how you withstand.I was put through tht as well.For a while I kinda lost hope on good things as well...I'm hopin to find tht this new year.

I learned tht ppl aren't always wht they seem.Even the closest fren can feel differently for you and only show one side of how they feel for you.Sometimes frenship is just a one side thing and *frenz forver* doesnt really mean forver.But I learned tht the phrase "Life doesn't give you the people you want. it gives you the people you need to help you, to hurt you, to love you, to leave you; to make you into the person you were meant to be" is sooo true.I guess these ppl were sent to me to make me who I am today.

Resolutions I've completed this yr:

1.Study Really Really Hard(Diddn't feel like it though..hehe0
2.Graduate!!(I can't believe I did it)
3.Makin a Difference In Someone's Life(A person told me this..I was sooo touched by it)

Well I'm proud I accoplished a couple of things this yr.It was been a crazy roller coaster ride.Well I know it's gonna be a start of a new adventure from here on.

~Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you,They're supposed to help you discover who you are~

The Continous Storm

[Mood: Upset]
[Music: I'm Not Okay - My Chemical Romance]

I have no idea what is it.The rain clouds decided to bring along all its bad luck along or just plain bad karma I suppose....I think Ppl decided that I haven't been hurt enough already for this year.I'm tryin 2 put it all behind me and be happy with whats before me.But its not easy as it sounds..

First I had to deal with the whole I can't be frenz with you no longer cause we're different material wise.WTH! is that suppose 2 mean..I mean after all this years and after all we've been through.You cant just say tht and say you wanna stay away from me....U know the truth is I actually teared after hearin that.I mean we were sooo close.She was like a sister to me and it hurts like hell when you say shit like tht and the best part of it all is tht u sound so cool with it.One fine day you say "u know why I dont sms u much anymore thts cause we're different"And when asked wht kinda difference,you giv me bullshit answers.And wht do u expect me say..."Oh yea cool..so Goodbye n cya"....Am not kinda person!I cant get ppl outta my life just like tht...especially someone so close.But here's the truth and as hard as it is for me I know its the way it should be ..if I didnt mean as much to you as you did 2 me..And our friendship didnt matter one single bit to you...You so damn well dont deserve my friendship!


And when that's done with...Then there's the "I think its cool 2 say something to everyone cause I know it will hurt you" crap.Its really amazing how a person can look and seem so very kind and decent on the outside and be so cruel and cold deep down.I somehow knew you weren't a nice person but then there I went again refusin to listen to my concious...*sheesh*.....I was really hurt.Why would a person do such a thing? How can a person be so cruel? Do you really lack tht much braincells!! I was really shocked,hurt and super mad at the same time.Well first I just sat in a daydream..ventin out the shock for a while and then the hurt poured out and finally the mad kicked in along with a whole lot of screamin along with it...the worst part of it all...*jeng jeng*...I hav to see this person soon enough!!...*bah*..gosh do I feel like drivin a bullet through his head!..I know it sounds effin violent but I really cant help it...Am mad and hurt at the same time!


It's been one thing after the other constantly lately.But I'm learnin to accept tht bad things happen and sometimes all at once and you have to learn to accept them and just try your best get past them all.You can't sit and mop bout it nor can you sit and curse at the world.All you can do is suck it all in,learn from them and move on.And thats exactly wht am doin....!

Tears and Blood

[Mood: Dark]
[Music: The Rasmus - In The Shadows]

The never ending nightmare,
One that’s long and so real,
So true that she can actually feel the tears fallin down her faces,
These horrible feelings,
The heartbreak,
It’s suppose to be a lesson,
To appericate and never take for grated,

This dream is longer than expected or meant to be.
Reality is really much prettier,
She knows that,
She is happy with now,
She hates this nightmare,
In it she cries every nite with songs reading out her pain,

The unbearable heartache,
She cuts so that the pain would be visible,
How could everything so perfect ever became this,
Deep down she’s glad its all in her head,
And thats what that keeps her calm…..

All of a sudden she opens her eyes,
She sees the wet stained pillow,
The crimson stained blade,

The fresh scars on her wrists,
Lookin around its exactly like her nightmare,
It was real,

The Tears...Blood...Pain...Scars..

Loosing it she screams,
The bitter sound rings through her ears,
Choking she stammers,
Thoughts jugglin all around,
Her wrists bleeding,
She looks for answers....

The happiness the smiling,
It wasn't real,
Screamning and sobbin,
No one hears her,
How could this be?
It was perfect…the smiles,the laughter,
It was all meant to be,
The promises,
Those beautiful words,
Where has it all gone?
This can’t be…all those time spent and effort put it,
How could it have vanished in thin air?
She can’t believe she is really alone,
Who is goin to be by her side now?
Who is going to make her feel safe and chase away the darkness?
She’s crawling on the floor with her tears and blood stained hands,
This isn’t how it was suppose to be,
This wasn’t suppose to happen,…
How did it end up like this…
HOW