The Breakdown

[Mood: Emo]
[Music: Tyler Hilton - You'll Ask For Me]

Its in the breakdown,
Cryin hysterically and rambling bout the disappointments,
Integrity got in the way,
And I felt I got lost from dignity,
There are so much expection and my dreams are high,
Regret scares me,
I don't wanna look back and bury these memories,
I had hopes,
But I can't seem to be keepin up to any of those,
It seems like I've brought down my standards,
Is this what I want?
Maybe but maybe not,
Theres doubt still lingerin,
And my heart sendin me the opposite signals,
Trust,
The key to any relationship,
Built with loadz of work and can be torn down without effort,
I've always had difficulties at this part,
There are people I know I can trust without a doubt,
And then there are those you have no idea bout,
Confused on whats goin on within,
Afraid to be vunerable,
Lookin for the instints,
When it coms down to faith,
How much should be instilled in a person,
If there's seems to be too little, there seems to be a problem,
But if there's too much,
What happens durin the downfall,
The crash and burn
I see that on its way,
It's right around the corner,
Now all I have to do is to push obstacles to delay its arrival,
There's too much runnin on my mind,
I think am too young for such questions,
Maybe it's my fault after all,
I pulled this onto myself,
There is solution to all this,
I bet it's somewhere,
Now all I have to do is go look for it.

You're The Fallin Star

[Mood: In Love]
[Music: Everything - Micheal Bubble']

Am more cheery these dayz and I find wayz to entertain myself.
I'm tryin to keep myself motivated and pushin towards doin more work.

Went and watched Fantastic 4 that day.It was seriously super cool! I hav no idea whats up with all the bad review but the special effects was great and the story line was intersting. The silver surfer has this hott sexy voice n I think am crushin on him(:P)

Headed for the Edu Fair yesterday.Had a lunch date with daddy and sis.Then dad left to see some stuff and I went on a search to find him.He told me the exit but as usual my sense of direction rockz! And I went a whole round n then found the freakin exit!! His super mean...he saw me go a whole round n everything...*sheesh*...He pulled the whole " I dont know thing" and someone workin with him asked if he was attemptin to flirt with me...haha...I got introduced around and we went to look at Monash after that. This is like my dream college and I wanna go here at least for a yr or two.So maybe I'll do Life a yr or 2 n then finish off at Monash. See how it goes. Also i think am most probably stickin with computer science.It's not tht am in capable of doin math but am goin to try my level best and if it really doesnt pull through then I may consider switchin. So we walked around and he got me hersheys!!...hehe..cookies n cream..cause I've been sorta buggin him for it quite a while..then we just chilled.Met up with my dad and then we got frappucinos and headed home. Had dinner with the family tht nite in association with my grandfathers birthday and then I had my usual phone convo...

I'm tryin to be patient with the current situation.Yes am still in prison but its definately more relaxed than a few weeks back. Now all I need to do it put that dinner plan in action.Then if I have that fixed, everything else will be normal again. Now if only I knew how to bring the idea up to her....

Love is an accident waiting to happen.
Desire is a stranger you think you know.
Intimacy is a lie we tell ourselves.
Truth is a game we play to win

LoveStoned

[Mood: Cheery]
[Music: Dashboard Confessional - Stolen]

I've been doin more work than usual.

He keeps me motivated.

How?

By remindin me of the joyz thats gonna be in college.

I'm still confused on what course I should take.

Totally stressin on it..*sheesh*

Waitin for the Edu Fair to come around

Am grounded for quite a while

Rottin n fuckin bored

Am online wayy to much

He amuses me a lotz

I'm being emo to much

Can't blame me..You will be to if you were in my situition

3 hours of tuition is no joke

I find pigeons adorable

I wish I could fly away from here

Badly needin a piercing n soon

By next year around this time I would have a kick ass belly ring

I need to do more Math...And I mean really LOADZ MORE!

I wanna earn 18,000 by the time am 27

I'm gonna go have lunch nowz

~She's dancin in the sky~

Just Let Me Cry

[Mood: Deep Thought]
[Music: Evenescenes - Weight Of The World]

This situation is being really hard on me.N I feel like am just goin to depression or somethin. I'm really startin to hate each day before it even begins. I don't understand why such huge drama for small situitions. It really doesnt make sense. How long are u goin to keep me in? Forcin me to be your fren isn't the best thing, I hope you know that. You can't change who I am.I'm sorry am not what you wanted me to turn out to be.Sometimes I even wander what went wrong but I wanna live life on my terms.Learn my own lessons, pick myself up from my falls n learn to move on. I don't wanna be spoon fed on life. I'm gonna be 18 soon and am sick and tired of being treated this way. I just wanna get skool done with and continue with my plans. But being patient through all this is so hard and am draggin myself each day to make it through. I don't see the point of lookin forward for anything anymore.




Besides that am really confused bout the current situition.This is not what I planned or dreamt for myself. Everything was suppose to come naturally not through a horrible struggle. I was suppose to be the priority not the option. I was suppose to be the first and the only. The one who inspires and makes a huge impact. The gurl who shows you what love is. I just realized that am the 2nd one and its never ever suppose to be this way. The feelings and emotions are there but I can't help feelin that its sooo unfair and this is not what I saw for myself. It really does hurt but am tryin not to think about it. There's nothin much that can be done. Nothing you can do or say can change that fact. I love you very much and I can't lose you. Especially not now and this moment is where I need you more than ever. I can't talk to you bout this cause you won't understand. This is something I must deal with personally and I can only pray that this is horrible feeling will go away once n for all.

Don`t use excuses..
Don`t ask why
It`s just a breakdown.. happens all the time..
So get out of my face - don`t even try..
Youu wanna help me? ..
Just Let Me Cry

Misery's My Company

[Mood: Sad]
[Music: Good Charlotte - Misery]

There's good news and theres fucked up news.

The Good Newz: After drama n being emo for 3 dayz.My parents couldnt take it to see me utterly miserable n they were thinkin of talkin 2 him again.So we had this thing set up tht he calls on tuesday mornin before his exams n say tht he wants 2 met them after in the evenin.Then the phone rang and my parents acted like no one called..I kept askin but they acted like notta.Super fustratin n whtmore am the one who set it up!!!! They talked 2 me in the evenin n said they'll agree to us on certain conditions.He came in the evenin n talked to them.His such a darlin!! To come n approach them.We got interrigated n shit.But they asked if we were both serious.We were yeah n we want this.We're not allowed to go out but his allowed to come over anytime! So thts great. But he had to open his mouth n add fire to flame bout my gf!!! I was soo tempted to get the freakin knife from the kitchen.He came with a fren n they had dinner n hanged till bout midnight.It was good.I guess thts one thing settled.

The Fucked Up News: T Ben came on thursday n my mum poured her heart out on how rebellious n uncontrollable n stubborn I am.hahahaha.Riteeee.Okies maybe thts partially true(:P) So am gonna be tutored n wont be goin back to skool till bout next year.N I'll only come for test n spanish.FUCK!!!!!!! Also am not allowed anywhere near my gf.As though thts ever gonna happen! Whtever.But am really gonna miss them soo much.N I really dread seein my mum for the whole damn day.It gets annoyin after a while speacially her naggin.So am gonna be totally isolated n am only gonna be able to communicate with him but his gonna be busy with his own thing so yeah....

I'm pretty much alone at the end of the day.But nothing is gonna keep me away from my darlinz.They're like family to me! But this is my last year of high skool n I never thought it would end in such a fucked up note.Everything is just sooo messed up.I just feel like gettin away for a while n forget bout everythin n just live.Even its just for a day.

I need a getaway,
From all this misery,
Guess independence starts from here,
I'm just drownin n out of breathe,
Someone save me.

-Walkin down this empty roads alone-

Holdin On

[Mood: Depressed]
[Music: Nada Surf - Inside of Love]

My idea of a good two week holz is goin somewhere or just chillin at home n being dead bored or doin something enjoyable.I had no idea mine was goin to turn into a bitter nightmare in the second day.

My mum found out bout all the hanky-panky thats been goin.N as usual she totally flipped out.There was yellin n screaming for pretty much the whole day.The cause and the source of this happenin is *drum roll plez* ....MY SIS!..I was real dumb to trust her seriously n the only reason she told was cause she got fucked for skool work n to save her ass n make her story seem small she told on me.Yea I sorta do hate her now! My life is in a totally messed up stage now.My mum is in an all lecture mood n everyone else just givez me the cold stare.His been my pillar to lean onto lately n am glad tht his sooo patient with everything.Am currently phone-less n fuckin bored n emo...am not sure if am even goin back to skool n mum's meetin with teacher on thursday.

So its a living nightmare rite now but my darlinz have been steadily on my side n I love them for it! It's so hard to put up with everythin but am at no point of regret n I feel its a just a tough phase thats been thrown at me.I'm feelin so weak lately but am gonna fight to make it through.The consequences are not as bad as before but my parents have "lost trust" in me sorta thing and it's gonna take a whole lotta convincing to get back on their good side.

P.S: Am grounded for another decade I suppose

Life's soooo FUCKED UP!
For the moment...